Welcome to

John's Joke page nr.7



A little child in church the first time watched as the ushers passed
the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the
youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy,
I'm under five."


A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy
responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How
do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is
add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"


During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean
this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if
you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the
chauffeur and the gardener."


After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the
little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it
will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who
passed trash against us."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you
know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you
keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him the money now, will he let us go?"


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked
him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest
said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay
with you guys!"


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be
Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth
person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have
to. My Mom is a good cook."


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old
boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About
halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't
be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to
start his sermon all over again!' It worked."


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking
her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God
make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed,
honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago" Feeling their
respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't He?"




...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am

...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I
have been surrounded by friends.

...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it
means I have enough to eat.

...for my shadow who watches me work because it
means I am out in the sunshine.

...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need
cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means
I have a home.

...for all the complaining I hear about the government
because it means we have freedom of speech.

...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking.

...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key
because it means that I can hear.

...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means
I have clothes to wear.

...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the
day because it means I have been productive.

...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning
hours because it means that I am alive.

...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know
I have friends who are thinking of me.


A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard
telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my
parents from dragging me everywhere with them."


While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut.

He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."


As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by
how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Gayle said.
"Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then married. On the way from
the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents,
and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the

"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."


The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if you
don't have the time?


A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber- type things for a while, and
handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even
make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."


Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I
got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never
do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"


Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something you'd like to
have dinner with.


A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his
first day of work. The manager greeted him with a
warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and
said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."


If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.
If you speak one language, you're American.


Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be
done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a
half- hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."


What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
the bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are
walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"


There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where
his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a
warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."


If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,



Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.


Adopting a Russian baby

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came
to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a
wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year
or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick
a few things when he noticed an old lady following
him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her
and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line,
but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you
has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you
look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there
anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good
bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I
only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


Subject: Walking

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise,
you add a minute to your life. This enables you,
at 85 years of age, to spend an additional
five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!


My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell she is!


The only reason I would take up exercising is so
that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.


I have to exercise early in the morning
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


I like long walks... especially when they are
taken by people who annoy me.


I have flabby thighs, but fortunately
my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier


If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.


And last, but not least, I don't exercise
because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!


A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to
recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very
expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred
dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little
money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last  visit."


Old Richard goes to his doctor with a very worried look on his face.

"Doctor," Richard says, "You've got to help me. Do
you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"

"Yes," the doctor replies.

"Well they've suddenly gone away," Richard says.

"So what's the problem?"

"I think I'm going deaf."


Are you a doctor

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes
the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit
is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee
cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on thecounter.

Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurried,across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and
starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the
woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to
her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that
his son has suffered no lasting ill effects the father rushes over to the
woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything
like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."


Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake
when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after
she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked
away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup
truck in front of her house and left it there all night.



If you've gotten too serious about 'success' Don't forget...

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is having friends.

At age 20, success is having sex.

At age 35, success is making money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

Life is a short circle......enjoy


Young Doctors Tell All
Part 1 of 5

...A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.


Young Doctors Tell All
Part 2 of 5

...I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


Young Doctors Tell All
Part 3 of 5

...During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one
of his medications.

"Which one?" asked the doctor.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly
undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had
over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.


Young Doctors Tell All
Part 4 of 5

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive."


I was caring for a woman in the hospital from Kentucky and asked, "So
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."


Young Doctors Tell All
Part 5 of 5

...A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed the hair on her private area had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This is not a phrase we men normally used so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up to him and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him
about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see
a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."


Doctor to the patient:"I have good news and bad news"

Patient:"Give the bad news first"

The Doctor:"You have Alzheimers"

The Patient:"O, my, how terrible.What's the good news?"

The Doctor:"You can go home and forget all about it".


The Doctor:"The only thing that can save your husbond

is an expensive operation"

The Wife:"Well, a good funeral isn't cheap either".


The Nurse to the Doctor:" Mr. Jones is feeling much better to day,

he has started to talk.

The Doctor:" Good.What does he say?"

The Nurse:" That he is feeling worse".