welcome to
John's Joke page nr.3
41
Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks
below and judge for yourselves
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,
what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
**********************
42
Thoughts to ponder
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they
already know we don't have any of?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a
Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I
end it?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a
Portugoose?
Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's
much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
**************************
43
Newspaper Advertisments
The following were actually taken from recent newspapers, classifieds, and
ads:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM
WASHED.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART
DOG
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH
IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL
TISSUE
89 cents
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
GEORGIA PEACHES
- CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE
HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE
LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR
SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE
PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09
lb.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered like one of the family.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home too!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Man, honest. Will take anything.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be
willing to get hands dirty.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivalled inconvenience.
**********************
44
Product labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are
some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
*******************
45
Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid
Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her,
but he just wasn't interested.
Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough,
Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for
a date for a Friday night!!
She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday. Finally,
Friday came.
As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date
at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting
everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.
Finally, 7 O'clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull
up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she
opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mikey!" she said, nervous as
hell, and Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!!"
Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door-then IT hit her. Suzie
realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking
along, what am I going to do??
Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door
for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he
came around and got in, all would be O.K.
So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes
the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that
he's just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at
Mikey as he gets in the car.
Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Suzie, I'd like
you to meet my brother Carl and his date."
*************************
46
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would
dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill,
fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other
filling it up again.A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't
believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are
you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up
again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants
the trees is sick today."
************************
47
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the
neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a
fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it!
Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."
I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
***********************
48
A police man parked his police car in front of the
station.
As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and he saw
a little boy staring in at them.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," He replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the police car.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
*************************
49
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the
bed and go to the fridge!
*************************
50
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order?"
**************************
51
Joey's teacher send a note home to his mother saying,
"Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too
much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
Joey's mother wrote back the very next day, "If you find a
solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his
father."
************************
52
A 60 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw
and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do
I have to live." He said, "you have 35 years left." So that
whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had
a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction,
she completely did herself over. She figured as long as
she was going to live another 35 years she was going to
look young again. After all this was done, that same year
she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.
When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to
God and said, "what happened? I thought you said I had
another 35 years."
God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"
53
For my Birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tony, who identified
himself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
Monday
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for
me. He is something of a Greek God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!) Tony gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
all thoserippling muscles. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
hisweight training class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tony was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
********************
54
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie
leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and
calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook,
connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a
database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he
prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns
round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his
Cherokee.
************************
55
Quotes
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him.
If you want to keep the beer real cold, put it next to my ex-wife's heart.
I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling.
The only thing I can count on now is my fingers.
When the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me.
I wouldn't take you to a dogfight, even if I thought you could win.
If you get the feeling I don't love you, feel again.
She stepped on my heart and stomped the sucker flat.
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.
I'm sick and tired of waking up so sick and tired.
************************
56
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate
road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze
was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing
red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can
catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up
further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the
lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is
my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you
can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I
was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
*******************
57
What My Mother Taught Me...
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to
kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to
cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat
your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on
the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach
is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I
saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
****************
58
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new
technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a
large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
******************
59
SHE'S NEW TO FOOTBALL
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing
each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!"
*****************
60
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon
discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very
intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first
editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the
gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me
with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is
removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I
inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion
and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand
violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported
into another world."
She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
********************