welcome to John

welcome to

John's Joke page nr.1

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and
confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked
what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one
day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week,
came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat
home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the
expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman
nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I
have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for
the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

*****************

A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little
pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building
materials and said, "The first little pig went up to a man and
asked, 'Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'"

The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so
she asked, "What do you think the man said?"

One boy raised his hand and said, "I think maybe the man said
something like, 'Holy Cow! A talking pig!'"

*****************

Ed arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday
golf foursome. Edna, his wife, immediately lit into him: "You
have some nerve leaving me home alone all day. I had to
cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter home.
You better have a good explanation, mister!"

Flustered, Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by
the untimely sudden death of Stan, one of their playing
partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive heart attack
just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver
lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."

Saddened, Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell
me something," Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to
her voice, "If he died on the first tee, what took you so
long?"

"Well," said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the
same thing: Hit the ball and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag
Stan."

*******************

Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other
to dinner. "We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on
the bell with your elbow."
"Why should I use my elbow?" the other asked.
"You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"

******************

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for
its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to
the loading area automatically, its doors opened
automatically, the steps came out automatically. The
passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed,
and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice
intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully
computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run
electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go
wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

******************

To My Darling Husband,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so
you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought
you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our
lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts.
He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were
good but yours was excellent!

The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud
of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She
still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her
birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy
and the electricity was out.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized
that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you
sneeze.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring.
I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes
in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and
there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of
things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee
cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your
disks are booting.

Love, Mary

********************

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully
prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the
encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they
thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection,
love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled
contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she
came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

******************

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked ,
"Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

******************

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows
him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the
kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there
alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

******************

A budding artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display in his art gallery.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman did inquire about your work and
wondered if the paintings would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings!"

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So what's the bad news?"....

"The guy was your doctor."

*************************

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him
pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was
on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool
as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right
feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my
brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace
to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your
mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

******************

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered
far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the
balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault!"

******************

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home,

he stayed out
the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very

angry wife and
was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you

like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "

That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see
her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

*****************

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day
morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the
smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate.
She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our
own breakfast."

******************

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,
give me the broom - I'll show you how."

*******************

FOR ALL YOU LADY DRIVERS.

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded Car Parks,
especially during evening hours the Brisbane City Council has
established a "Women Only" car park at South Bank. Even the
car park attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable
and safe environment is created for patrons.

Please find attached the first picture available of this world-first
for Australia.

Click for Picture

*************************

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

***************************

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done
about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a
week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-
hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

************************

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their
conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a
cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do
anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and...'"

************************

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records
as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third
day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the
past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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